if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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