mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
