ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
