The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
