My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
