So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
