I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
