Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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