My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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