goodnight i made you a song goodbye
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
