Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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