3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
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