we have officially lost it.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My penis needs a shock collar
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Randomize
