yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
