Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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