i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
