My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
