the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
