Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
