I was born with a shot glass in my hand
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
