so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
ugly people sure do ruin things
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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