You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
