where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
