Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
