I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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