On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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