Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
