Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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