sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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