Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
