just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
