We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
foreskin is a definite game changer
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
