I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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