By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize