I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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