my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
