She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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