I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I need to align my fucking chakras
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
