The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
