I think i peed on brittanys purse
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
