I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
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