I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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