she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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