I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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