Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize