I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Randomize
