U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
