WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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