Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
i think i just lost a toe
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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