Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
