Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He better not be in your backpack
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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