He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
