is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Randomize
