Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
