I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
