I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
