you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
