Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
