i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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