God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
