I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
