what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
