You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
